Blue Apple

Sze Hooi

2010-06-29T04:05:00.000-07:00

For a friend who is no longer here, this is to your memory.

The last time I saw you before the funeral was last year. I never expected that to someday be true; meeting you again at a later date was an assumption. We were never especially close, hence, no need to meet up and all frequently.

But then you slipped away.

Only you will hold the clues to why you did it. Fifteen. Your life, so long, still ahead. But if you were not happy to be here, then I hope you are happier... wherever you are.

Even though we weren't best friends, we were classmates, and you were closer to me than many. You were always sweet and funny and bubbly. You never shied away from me, or were disgusted by me, or even looked at me strangely. You were a genuinely nice person. Smart, sporty, warm, good-natured. How could anybody not like you, want less than your regard?

Now you're gone, and I wish I could have told you all this when you were still here.
Now you're gone, and soon we, your friends, must forget our pain and keep our memories.

For even beyond death, you are my friend.

2010-05-27T21:19:00.001-07:00

Why is it that so many people seem to think all young adults are incapable of rational thought?
Especially snooty adults. Scratch that. Snooty teachers.

Look. A lot of teens have brains. Brains that aren't gonna be demolished by a couple of stray hormones. In fact, sometimes they actually stimulate us, if you can believe it! If someone is in a position of power in a student body, chances are, (s)he should be, and (s)he can make the right calls. That person is probably chosen for his (for convenience's sake, not sexism, let's call it a he) talents, leadership skills and THINKING ABILITIES. Even if he doesn't possess these three (and who are we kidding, a lot of adults don't) he always has his trusty committee members to aid him.

Some adults don't even have the same level of clear thinking as a teen!

And have you noticed that there are just as many, if not more adult wrongdoers as there are YAs? Helll-lloooooo!

The youth generation has the ability to make the difference, to improve the world. Teens have brilliant ideas because as of yet, the older generation hasn't molded them into its own ideals. Teens, they're the change agents. Can people stop stamping the thought that teens need more control than adults into us, eroding their creativity? Because personally, I think we need but just as much.

Then again, what do I know? I'm just a teen.

2010-05-01T11:10:00.000-07:00

Ah, but here's another one.

I had my palm read on one of those facebook app thingies. Turned out that I was a bit too analytical about my emotions. And cold.

Don't, please don't ridicule me when I say I almost believe it. A microscopic particle is all. But still, part of me does, actually, believe such utter, ridiculous nonsense.

Why?

Because, perhaps, I just feel abnormal. While everyone (or almost everyone) my age has crushes left and right, I never seem to care. Guys have come and gone but my last crush was way back when I was twelve. Which, for a teen, is pretty asexual.

Well, I never thought I was normal.

Excerpts from Notes of B.A.

2010-05-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

I used to think, it's not fair. It's not fair to have people who have more rights than others because of the family they were born into. Not for a service rendered to the nation; not for earning it, but through a coincidence. It isn't fair at all.
But then I see the poor on the streets, hungry, without shelter, and I think, what's fair? What's fair when you have people dying of starvation when others can die of overeating?
Is this equality?

*

Suddenly I don't know where we are anymore. Am I at fault? Are any of us? We've moved on. New friends, new lives, new worlds. We have less in common.
There's no real reason as to why we drifted apart, nor a turning point, a line where we divided. We didn't fight.
Maybe that's the cause. How we parted.

*

[fiction]
..so congratulate yourself - from being another face, somehow you've snuck into the cracks and made yourself indispensable, holding my life up, stopping collapse. But let me tell you: many have done it before, and each have not succeeded in their goal which is now yours. You see, if I took every person I could not exist without and had them lie down flat in a line, heat to foot, they would circle the globe and a little over. Yes, you are important to me, but there are many above you, as well as those who are also important in a different away. I am sorry. I cannot accept what you offer.
If there were a way to define your relationship to me, it would be as the classic, "a very close friend", which is, in fact, exactly what you are. Yet I know you will keep trying. Try. I will not stop you. I merely discourage you for fear that you build your hopes too high for stability. But if you can, if you dare, why not? Try! And for aught you know, you may succeed.

*

[random points to ponder]
Just a step away from freedom... Just a moment further to go. Then in a blink you wish you were bound, as before.
-
You stretch to your limits, you strive. It's a tortured life to lead. Sometimes each particle of you aches with an unnameable pain you wish would end you. No resent; no false, decorous hatred. You hurt without source.
-
Liberty from pain is mere existence. Where do you go? After struggling, what do you know anymore? The prize is no longer of import. The mountain has been scaled.
-
You live for the climb, th uphill-sprint. So you may stand upon the top and say, I did that, I suffered for it. The aim is not to reach the peak.
-
Stopping to smell the roses is not an option. Once you stop, you know that motion was purgatory. How can you start again?
-
Because when you move, you feel nothing, there is no effort. It is instinct. It is natural. There is no other way.
-
We are restless.
-
So forgive us for not joining your choir of freedom, we prefer imprisonment. We would rather be led than lead, we want Them to show us where to go. Is that not the tune we oft sing? The melody we play when we conform? Are we not blind?

*

There were more, but chances are low that I would ever publish those. Nite now.

Fresh beginnings are raw.

2010-05-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

Raw as flesh rubbed against leather. It's only now that I realise how easy it is to be caught up in the past. How bad sweet memories are, how they cause decay of the new.
You walk looking behind, and nothing behind you is new. Everything is familiar, unthreatening. You are happy. You do not realise what is coming towards you - you are too engrossed in that which is going away.
But you turn around. It is the world. New, frightening, dangerous.
Would you watch out for dangers, or wrap yourself up in the old?

Change is hard, but I need it. Badly. Because change keeps me alive. Memories are for those whom have nothing left, and as of yet I have it all. I must make my memories to last till I can make them no more.

Ages and ages hence..

2009-12-01T07:24:00.000-08:00

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted. There're lots of things I've thought of saying... half of which I've forgotten.

We're moving soon. It's a bother packing, but actually, I don't do much of it, since it's hard for me to throw stuff away - I'm a bit of a magpie, or pack rat, you might call it. My mum can dump old things like she was born doing it, though - a trait not one of us have inherited.

I've turned my interest to comedy, thanks to my brother. British humour is amazingly satisfying, it really spoils my appetite for the American variety. After watching so much Monty Python, Howie Do It is curiously stupid and dull.

I've watched a lot of Monty Python lately, actually. For those of you who don't know them, Monty Python is a British comedy group consisting of John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Eric Idle, Michael Palin, Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam. They had a TV series called Monty Python's Flying Circus.

The reason why I'm so tediously insipid at the moment is due to my drugged sensation of sleepiness. I'll go appease my brain now, g'tie.

Screaming blue murder

2009-09-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what that means, but it looks cool. I'm writing not because I have something to write about, but simply for the sake of it.

Yesterday, while I was on MSN, I saw something about a thirteen-year-old blogger who was famous and being invited to all sorts of fashion shows and blah. Apparently some fashion people saw her blog, which reviews, I think, the clothes that wacky fashion designers come up with.

One thing's for sure: if we ever met, we would never see eye to eye.

First of all, the fact that she likes, and keeps up with, trends of the day. Call me old, stiff, close-minded, whatever you like, but I simply cannot understand modern fashion. Just like abstract art. Who in the real world actually keeps up with these things? Seriously. In my opinion, if it's not your job to critique or design or model, and you're not a celebrity, then why do you bloody care?
(I'm not criticising her, actually, since it is her job now. I think.)

Then the way her blog is written. Okay, I know, I know, she's not a writer, but just reading it makes me feel frivolous and rather groupie-like. Of course, it doesn't matter, since she's a critic and not an author. Just sayin'.

My dad said I should start commenting on books, but most unfortunately, there's no Borders or MPH or Popular or any proper fiction bookstore here. So bluek. I don't think I wanna be the next great book critic prodigy or whatever, anyway.

My head is throbbing, my vision is splotching, my temper is irritable and I gotta go.

2009-09-03T23:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I said I won't post anymore negative stuff. But p-lease. It's only bad stuff that's exciting, i'nn'it? What's that phrase? Negative bias. Yeah well, it's usually the embarassing/angering/saddening things that we brood about, that we think about. So I'm not surprised that I've already broken the "write about good stuff" promise.

Sorry I didn't post sooner, but when I wanted to yesterday, there was some kind of bug affecting Google. I couldn't bloody type. I couldn't even sign in! Very frustrating, I can tell you. That was one of the few times I got mad at Google, even though I was using their map for my Geography folio. I suddenly wasn't so grateful.

Yesterday, I went to school feeling a li'l aggrieved. You see, on Thursday (here we go with the choronicles!), a classmate did something rather disgusting (read: lewd) to another classmate. Of course, Classmate 2 got mad and tried to give Classmate 1 his due, but laughing all the while. And so did the others. In fact, the only unsmiling face was my own. I was stricken, shocked that she did not seem as angry as I expected, weird as that may sound.

It reminds me of another instance in my class when boys were pelting pieces of paper at the girls' behinds. It was right in front of the teacher, and us girls scattered, but the teacher didn't seem angry - she did not reprimand them in the least. But then, who can? If you do, it's not like they'll understand. I really felt like crying with frustration. Try making a crawling plant stand on its own without tying, and you'll see what I mean. There was, like, no solution. How to make them comprehend the discomfort, embarassment and whatever feelings caused, when they couldn't, unless they themselves were girls.

I have to thank another friend of mine now. I was ranting to him to unburden myself, when he said the most encouraging, reverse-psychological (though I know he does not mean it to be) phrase I could hear: "What can you do? It's all fate." Which absolutely convinces me there IS a way, even if I'm just 13.

What more, it RAINED during assembly. The SPM students were laughing at us. When it started to drizzle, the teacher on stage didn't even seem to notice, and all the more those comfortably seated under the roof. They should've known, I can't help but think - the sky was as dark as a crow's wing, and quite as foreboding. Anyway, the teacher just mentioned that he had to end his speech due to weather complications when the drizzle became an absolute downpour. The students, including myself, of course, bolted. Some even screamed. Yeeowza.

That was pretty dumb.

I would have more to talk about, but I gotta sign off for lunch now. Tata.

Haunts, hatred, haze, and H1N1. (and holiday homework, of course.)

2009-08-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

Spuuukeynesss. Ghost month again. Isn't it strange? Rather like a climax, in a way. These months, since the football competition, my classmates have been exchanging ghost stories at every event - birthdays, camps, and whenever the teacher is out. I don't know what's their obsession with the supernatural, but I do believe it's infecting me. And I know it can't be healthy.

To tell the truth, I was so spooked out on Wednesday night that I COULD NOT SLEEP. I was sleepy but didn't dare go to sleep, because then I would have to turn off the light. And in my state of mind I was sure something would grab my leg as I was getting back in bed. I watched my phone clock with an uneasy eye. Terrified that midnight would strike.

I fell asleep in the end, but woke up twice. My dad switched the light off for me, I think. When I woke up in the morning I didn't dare open my eyes for fear of what I'd see. I waited till my mum had to come into my room and turn on the light before I got out of bed. In the bathroom I leaned against the wall to avoid looking in the mirror, worried that someone would be behind me. I avoided the toilet unless it was urgent, and almost didn't brush my teeth.

Aren't I superstitious.

On another note, one of my good friends had a sudden fit of temper yesterday. I didn't realise how severe until today. It was very severe. But she obviously vented her spleen quite completely - she did not say anything particularly evil-tempered today. I hope she's herself again. A single moment of anger is better than a long drawn-out feud.

The haze is worsening, so much that we cannot detect it by scent anymore - it has been affecting our nostrils for too long. My eyes sting even now. I hate haze. a glance outside my house tells me how thick it is. H1N1 infiltrated the school, by the way. A fourth-former got it. Yikes.

Aaaaaaaaaagh. I have tonnes of folios to do, and not a single inclination to! Gobshite. I have to finish my civic folio by the end of the hols. Oh, sucks to the world of folio work! Not to mention homework. And the exams. Yippee yea yea.

I wish all the people in my class - especially the more rowdy ones - could read Lord of The Flies. It's not written very interestingly, but it's dark and ought to give them a prick at their conscience. If they bothered to understand it. Then maybe they'd be more respectful of rules.

Holidays. No fun involved. Just folios.

Food for thought -

2009-08-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just me, but it seems that things always seem better when you look back on them. The present lays the facts down bare, clean and honest, but the past exaggerates them. Another weird thing about life, along with where the socks go after laundry is done.

I also see that the less you care about society, the better it treats you. Either that, or you just don't realise when you're being outcast. When I was ten and thought friends were life, pretty much everyone hated me, including myself. Now I'm three years older and couldn't care less who does. It feels gooood.

However, I'm still trying to unravel certain mysteries. Like why most people instinctively fear facing the truth, or rational discussion. Really. Example: when you have a fight with your friend and he or she wants to talk about it, you dread the moment. Or when you know someone likes/hates you, and are scared that he or she wants to talk to you about the feelings between the both of you. It's strange.

Also, I am adopting a new doctrine: to step in someone else's shoes. When my teacher yells at the class, I won't blame her instantly. I'll try to understand why she's upset and attempt to remedy it. If possible. And I'll take a new motto I got from Anne of Windy Willows: "If you carry a smiling visage, to the glass you meet a smile." Although it won't be easy smiling at people with a mask over my mouth and nose. Figures.

I think I should be more assertive. Maybe I'm acting rather doormat-ish in my efforts to be a forgiving, diplomatic person. Perhaps I'm too forgiving. But blah. I so need my sleep now.

Unpleasant things.

2009-08-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so most of my posts were about not-so-nice stuff. Like moving. Eugh. I guess I do need to lighten up my blog. But let me have a final rant before I do!

I find that many of my friends, mostly the girls, have things against each other. It's so scary and complicated. Like, one moment they're behaving like the best of friends and the next one of them is fuming once the other has left. I'm not very sure how, perhaps it's in-built instinct. It's kind of hard to do, but I think I've mastered the art of it, though the cover does slip once in a while. But now I'm moving, and it puts things in a whole different perspective. Why should I have enemies when they could be friends? Albeit not close ones, but good enough. I'm trying to strike up an acquaintance with my Malay classmates, namely Zaitul and Aliff, since I'm not particularly close to them. I guess the language barrier is a factor - I'm not used to speaking Malay outside the scouts. Figures.

Anyway, moving on!

I've decided that I should have a crush on someone this year. It's not very controllable, but I'm determined to have one on whoever catches my fancy. This year has been exceedingly dull and not as much a romantic whirlwind as it was last year. Probably thanks to the absence of the latest songs on the PA system, the new headmistress and my not-so-closeness with th fifth-formers. Plus, the freedom-fun has moved aside to make way for study-fun. But mostly because I don't have a crush on anyone!

Please ignore the above paragraph. I know I'm foolish, since I can't help who I crush on, or if I crush on anyone at all.

Continuing my glib babbling...

Instead of heading inland, I went for the Bike Fest at the Eagle Ranch today. It was so cool and we got lost in all the Tamans of 4th mile trying to find a shortcut thru traffic. B-E-A-Utiful bikes. Sorry I couldn't go to your house, Jia Yi - Happy Birthday!

I love the world. I think I've come up with a new idea - to think of what made me smile each day. As plagarised from Jen of YWS fame. Anywhoodledoodle, I'd better sign off now.

On moving.

2009-08-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

I don't want to move.
At least, not till I'm out of school. I want to experience walking to STPD - staying there as long as I like, then going back when I want to - for all my schooling years. Maybe I never fully appreciated how good it is to live next to the school. Life is good here.

I don't want to leave my home. My house, white walls and black roof. My home. The ultimate cold, silent queen of houses, sophisticated and proud of all its ghosts and childish murals, courtesy of my siblings and I. A royal mansion of messy homey-ness, cool yet warm with sunlight and dreams. My room still bears the large Scout logo, quill and pawn I pencilled onto its white-washed exterior.

I love where I am. I know I'll have to move someday, but can't it be another day?

But I won't worry. Life goes on. I think I'm not changing schools. There's a positive spin to that.

On High

2009-07-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

Precisely. I got high today. Doing Accounting.

I can hear you saying WTF.

During KH today, we learnt Simpan Kira, a.k.a. accounting, which was, indeed, great fun. Just ask Lim. I spent half the time giggling with delight. Perhaps this is, indeed, one of those strange defining moments in time, or maybe I'm just insane. All I know is that I fell in love with accounts this afternoon.

However, time flies when you scribble accounts, and so we packed up before we could finish. The moment the teacher let us out, I traipsed to the canteen to finish it up. It was that addictive. Tan Poh Kuan said he could see that it made me very happy. I wonder if it will ever repeat this feat in the future.

In other news! I'm putting one of my more ditsy, Twilight-esque essays on my blog. I wrote it around last year. Go ahead and purge.

I sat at the bench, staring at the size 12 font unseeingly. My manuscript was paper-clipped to page 37 of The Odyssey, where I decided to place it to save it from being crumpled in the savage machine that was my bag. The Odyssey was one of the many books that I could never stomach, and sacrificed it I did. It survived the day, however. Biting my lip, I decided to actually make an effort to read. My head was jam-packed with oddly excited voices, so I had to murmur under my breath.

I sat on the stone bench, staring at the size 12 font unseeingly. My manuscript was paper-clipped to page 37 of The Odyssey, where I decided to place it to save it from being crumpled in the savage animal that was my bag. The Odyssey was one of the many books that I could never stomach, and I had no qualms about sacrificing it. It survived the day, however. Biting my lip, I decided to actually make an effort to read my story. My head was jam-packed with oddly excited voices, blurring out the noises of the outside world and the voice inside my mind that usually read in silence, so I had to murmur under my breath. The words I muttered were unheard by any other person at the crowded bus-stop.

“’He tweaked his bowtie, carefully checking his tuxedo in the long mirror. Even as he – ’ fine, I give up!” Frustration filled me like it always did at my poor persistance. Not a word had registered in my brain. I could never pull this off. Just stare at the words, I thought to myself. Stare at the words. I would never have thought of doing this, but my unwittingly stupid mind devised this plan, and dragged me along for the ride. So here I was. Waiting, prop in hand. Just waiting.

“The Odyssey, huh?”

I looked up, and finally, there he was. Instantly, I felt like an idiot.

“I’m not actually reading it. Double-checking my story, to be honest.” Drat his piercing eyes. He knew perfectly well that I was hyperaware of him, jolting at every step closer he took, that I had been waiting for this, planning to the last second. He knew too well that I wasn’t reading at all, that the moving of my eyes was a complete façade. And he could hear my breath quickening, see my ears pricking to catch every word he said. My pupils must have dilated an inch to see all of him. I sounded ridiculous. I looked homely. My pose was awkward. Self-consciousness chained me down to the rack and twisted.

My friends were definitely blind. He was the most amazing person I had ever laid eyes on. I could testify to that. And now he looked at my book – avoiding my gawk, maybe? I looked down also. The manuscript was tugged gently out of the paper clip and my hands, but I couldn’t have refused him anyway. I closed the book, before turning to him to see his reaction. He read with amazing speed, I noticed; his eyes darted back and forth at the speed of sound. Okay, that was an exaggeration, but it wasn’t all that far off from the truth. Within those five minutes, he handed it back to me.

“That’s great, Lils. What’re you planning to do with it?”

I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant as my spirits soared and plunged with a swiftness to rival that of a jet plane. Of course he would say that, I laughed at myself. What else would he say? He had to be polite. “Nothing. It was just for fun.”

He looked genuinely disappointed. “That’s a waste of a good story. Oh well. Gotta go now. Bye!”

I waved, smiling at him, a featherbrained giggle threatening to escape the upturned corners of my lips. Turning around, I walked away, my ears ringing with his bass-toned voice, my eyes tinted by the bliss of his smile. Today seemed like a perfect day, and I looked forward to tomorrow. Maybe I would save this story, I mused. Put it somewhere secure, make sure the silverfish don't get to it. I whistled as I skipped back home.

I didn't know the surprise that awaited me tomorrow. The bittersweet surprise.

2009-06-27T01:11:00.000-07:00

Summer solstice has past, and the rain gods have decided, once again, that we are worthy enough to be watered; they are done with their tempting and taunting, done with greying the sky and shocking the Earth, only to leave without giving a drop of what they hold.

A.K.A, it's been raining at last.

I've kept to my promises, and the results have shown earlier than I expected. I hadn't even made them at the time.
Ever since I began with my resolutions, I've found that my memory, when it come to classes, is improving. Whoopee.

Anywhoodledoodle...

Today was productive, but in a rather boring way. I managed to get rid of my boredom, though, by writing a li'l.
Total randomness - it was pretty much make-it-up-as-I-go-along.

A writer, a travelling journalist
Penning his story in hues of acryllic.
Quilting the pieces of his hardship
With a thread of song.
Or a designer, perhaps an architect
Drawing the plans and schemes with a twitch of the reins.
Bending the laws of gravity,
To suit his taste.
But, for now, a child
An adult. Something in between.
A faithful friend, an eager pupil
Full of hopes and dreams.
That is who I am.
Who I am to be remains to be seen.

And!!

I think I'll write a poem on Michael Jackson. He's got a very poetic story. Mourning for him now.

The Gouge-Out

2009-06-11T03:23:00.000-07:00

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Is it normal to feel like you want everyone to know what you are intent on keeping secret?
For example, say you bought a new dress or shirt for your friend. You want to keep it a surprise but find, at the same time, that you simply can't resist dropping numerous, less-than-subtle hints so he or she finds out in the end. And it seems hard to stop short of telling him or her outright. Or, another more common example is that you heard a secret from someone and can't wait to tell your besties.
Perhaps, you might have a crush on someone but feel too shy to tell your friends in case they disapprove, yet you say lots of things to make them guess it.

Whatever it is, I'm trying to find out if this sort of feeling has been identified and named. If possible, I'd like to know what region of the brain it is associated with. Actually, does anyone else ever feel it? Am I just weird?

I think this is a kind of thing is intended to let others on without outright telling, to see their reactions and figure out if you should tell them. I'll call it the gouge-out.

*

Not that any of those examples include me - trust me, secrets you confide in me are stored in very secluded parts of my mind that I rarely think of telling anyone else. It's my own secrets I feel like telling, but don't because pretty much no-one cares. I don't think I'm famous for ratting out people. Or am I? Maybe I just don't know it. But I'm rambling.

Anyway, I need someone to help me keep to my resolutions. Make me feel guilty. And I can return the favour when the occasion arises. I'll get a temporary person while I search.

Folios! Projects! Paperwork!

2009-06-09T03:11:00.000-07:00

"Those that don't know me very well imagine that I wear jeans all the time. Those who do know it."

Recently, for no reason in particular, I have been revisiting my blog. Even when I have nothing to post, I always type the f- URL and arrive here with nothing on my mind. As if I'm waiting for someone to update it, even though only I can. Like I'm watching for news of infiltration or something. Has anyone previously experienced this?

*
Anyway, back to the topic. I have discovered quite a few forgotten folios this holiday. Which are due very soon. Yikes.

This kinda proves that I never really attend to Civic class. I knew about all the other folios but this one. And it stinks. "Jiran Saya" (My Neighbour). What the bloody hell am I supposed to write?!? My close neighbours have all moved out and my new ones are pretty boring. And are going to move out soon, too. I think I have to photoshop my pics!
My neighbour is an Indian man by the name of Mr. X. He has a wife, four children and one grandchild (boy or girl? I think boy). Two of his children are working and married, one is still in university and one in school (Form 5, apparently). I got a picture of his daughter's "wedding" from one of those bridal make-up sites. Mr X is the Maintainence Manager of the Tuanku Ja'afar Power Station. Contribute ideas if possible! I made one of his daughters a recuperating anorexic. Actually, I've done my Penghargaan, Objektif, Pendahuluan, Rumusan, Hubungan antara Kami and Rujukan. Now I just have to get my biodatas in. And the pics. (A/N: Maybe I'll call a friend's family to pose?)

My Science is considered done to me, though all I did was get all the pics. I haven't organised them properly or stuck them in yet. Gotta get that done by tomorrow. I'm not doing Geo 'cause the teacher might tell us something different after the break. He's going to re-brief us on it.

My KH thing had to be re-done a couple of times, I didn't know the exact format. Not even now. The teacher told us biodata, then something about pasting our research next to it (citation needed, to quote wikipedia).

*
Note to some misguided people: I do not have a boyfriend. Male friends, no boyfriends.

*
Air Pressure confuses me slightly. I'm not very sure about it, but I probably understand it - I got all the answers right. I need to re-read it. I want to get on to dynamics, but all the project work is squeezing my poor study time away. I wanna learn loci! I wanna learn Bab 10 of Geo! I wanna finish chapter 6 of history! All my possessions for a moment of time - a la the Queen.

*
Back to jogging for me! Thursday is jogging day again. No heart palpitations this time.

The holidays are so close to finishing. Which is rather sad. I'll go practice for drama.

Strange Day

2009-06-06T03:13:00.000-07:00

Carry You Home - James Blunt
Trouble is her only friend and he's back again.
Makes her body older than it really is.
She says it's high time she went away,
No one's got much to say in this town.
Trouble is the only way is down.
Down, down.
*As strong as you were, tender you go.
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,
I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
I'll carry you home.*
If she had wings she would fly away,
And another day God will give her some.
Trouble is the only way is down.
Down, down.
* to *
And they were all born pretty in New York City tonight,
And someone's little girl was taken from the world tonight,
Under the Stars and Stripes.
* to * x 2

I hate travelling. Carsickness, awkwardness, having to dress up, being away from home, not being able to do so many things without getting a complete headache... I'd much rather stay at home.
Today was a pretty suckish day, nyway. I realised how easy it was to hate myself.
Don't you give me that lecture about how we must all love ourselves and treasure our lives, yadayadaya. I do. It's just... sometimes I get on my own nerves, if you get my drift. I'm confusing myself. Anyway, a list of reasons to hate myself:

1. I'm selfish.
2. I'm rude.
3. I'm rebellious.
4. I'm a cry-baby.
5. I'm stupid - very much so when the occasion calls for it.
6. I'm stuck-up.
7. I'm dependant.
8. I'm irresponsible.
9. I'm desistant.
10. I'm a braggart.
11. I'm self-pitying.
12. I'm forgetful.
13. I'm self-distancing.

Okay, I'll stop there - it hurts me to talk about myself like that, even though it's true and gives me great satisfaction. I need to say 13 positive things about myself now, but I just can't think of any. Ah well, here's a short poem I composed earlier.

Smile
When the world cries, smile
For every broken heart, just smile
To brighten someone's day

'Cause while you're crying
Nursing your pains
Someone might be loving you
So even if you'd be lying
To say you're still sane
Smile, it's not that hard to do.

Concealing how you feel
Is not that big a deal
It's in fashion at the moment not to cry.
Each and every minute
Someone always does it
Let's pretend to smile our lives by.

And I know I'll regret posting this.

June!

2009-05-31T23:31:00.000-07:00

Miss ya, Junebug, by the way.

So the mid years are done with, and people are relaxing..
While I'm making plans!
Of course, my world domination ideas are very private, and I will not open them for public perusal, or else I might get caught like Dr Horrible from Dr Horrible's Sing-along blog.

Just kidding.

Rather, I'm planning on how to be a stellar student, which is actually kinda fun - probably better than ruling the world. Imagine how I'd have to solve all those poverty and overpopulation problems! And then the environmental issues, the economic downturns, the unemployment rates, the epidemics, the crime rates, the desperate ploys for my crown... But I digress.

BACK TO THE TOPIC:
I've made a list of fixed daily activities - things I must routinely do. 'Lo behold!
1. Study (of course) a list of fixed subjects on school days, 30 minutes each.
2. Do notes.
3. Finish homework at school (except last period homework and folios).

And then some social stuff:
1. Watch my temper - a.k.a., don't yell too much. Be firm but don't let anyone ruin my day.
2. Compliment someone.
3. Go out of my way to do a chore or help someone.

And to top it all off, some quotes for good luck:
- Do or do not. There is no try. - Star Wars
- A goal not written is only a wish. - Proverb
- Character is the discipline to follow through with resolutions long after the spirit in which they were made has passed. - Proverb
- The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing...
Good timber does not grow with ease
The stronger wind, the stronger trees.
- Douglas Malloch
- The risk of riskless living is the greatest risk of all - Sean Covey
- We have met the enemy, and he is us.
- People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be. - Abraham Lincoln

Gonna write a story. See ya.

I knew it.

2009-04-02T06:51:00.000-07:00

*bows at the feet of the blog* I solemnly and sincerely apologise to the Blue Apple blog and vow not to leave again without prior notice.

Sorry x99999999! Seriously, now. I completely forgot about my blog till that day my friend mentioned it to me.

Now, to the true ~~ranting~~ blogging!

This year, I'm taking part in drama and choir.
Fish.
I knew it was going to happen.

Guess what? Pn. S said, since the practices will clash (inevitably), I have to choose between the two. Now, let's see the merits and "non-merits" of each, shall we?

DRAMA
Background
- I tried to enter last year, but chess was held at the same time.
- They got number two last year.
This year
- They put me in, but my role isn't very important. I've got about 15 lines.
Views on it
- I'm not fond of the teachers.
- We're little more than 3 weeks away from the competition, but we haven't confirmed the roles yet. Which is utterly ridiculous. We confirmed it yesterday with Pn. R, but then Pn. S came today and confirmed a different cast. Confusion.
- I already memorised the script, which they have changed twice.
- The teacher cancelled some lines. The other teacher cancelled some other lines. The play is short. Wham.
- Since we're all friends, we can practice at each other's house.

CHOIR
Background
- I also tried to enter last year, but the only Form 1s chosen were Adrian and Lisha. Apparently, the teacher thought they had more commitment. They tried to quit, but failed.
- They got number two last year.
This year
- I got in. I was the only soprano who came for every practice last year.
Views on it
-Previously, I was the only one who knew the whole thing, but now we've finished learning the song.
- It's only our dynamics that have any trouble.
- We're a good team.
- We practice during school hours.
- I helped one of the new sopranos train, and now she knows the song already.
- We've only just finished the song. We haven't learnt the intro and finale.

It looks like choir might win, but drama = fun + already trained for. Plus, in choir, the voices meld, but in drama, one person can screw everything.

I've decided to ask Ms C if I can be a reserve for choir. Wish me luck.

YWS, birthdays, and some other assorted things.

2008-12-03T06:29:00.000-08:00

Sick! So completely sick!

This holiday, on our trip to Penang, my brother got a fever. Not long afterward, my mom and dad were infected too. Then my turn. And whoopie! We have sore throats and blocked nasal passages as well.
I am.. marginally better than the rest. Gargling salt water and sipping lemon honey drinks have been good remedies.
And what else is sick? Well.. just look at the last lines above the postscript.

And guess what! I joined a site. It's called YWS.. Stands for Young Writers' Society (now, don't immediately stop reading because you just saw the word "writer".). It's pretty nice.. but that's my opinion.

And Chee Keen has just celebrated his birthday not long ago, and Sarran is about to have his. And after that.. mine! Whoohooo! And my mum's, and Hui Shen's, and Khesha's, and basically loads of people's. You BETTER get me a present (you know who you are) !

And last but not least, take a look at this pic. Please.
http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/11/13/1673378.aspx
Try reading the comments too.

P.S.: I read this quote from a signpost in the Pulau Kukup National Park.

"Alone we can do little, but together, we can change the world."
and
"To change those around you, you must first change yourself."
Amen to that!

Johore International Jamboree 2008

2008-11-27T07:23:00.000-08:00

I've been shamefully neglecting my blog. It seems so barren.. Sorry!

Nyways.. I'm back from camp.

The camp was bad in terms of organisation, good in terms of people, and had terrible plumbing. We used lake water for dishes and the toilet bowls were rarely empty (no flushing - absolutely nauseating). I met some very friendly people and some real arseholes that acted like they've never seen a girl before. And the organisers forgot to put lots of things in English to ensure the internationals could understand. There was a really tall menara at the entrance - well done.

Day 1 - Felt really lonely. I was the only girl from my school. The tent broke. I stayed with the girls from SMK Pendeta Za'ba. Nice people.

Day 2 - Better. I don't remember much from this day.

Day 3 - Went to Pulau Kukup. Met Pulau Pinang girls from Jit Sin.
In the afternoon we couldn't go out for activities. There was some luncheon where they invited people from all contingents. After that we had to clean up.

Day 4 - We tried to complete the activities today, but there was one last activity scheduled for tomorrow. So we weren't allowed to do it. The contingent people scolded us for not finishing.

Day 5 - We did canoeing today. It was fun! Wasn't as scary as I thought. Skipped paintball though - it took so bloody long to wait. I went for a walk around the camp site while my friends waited and when I came back like, an hour later they were STILL where I left them. They said it was fun and really painful. And I wasn't allowed nyway - for 14+ only.

Day 6 - Went back.

Short summary of what happened. Not very detailed. But whatever. I'm in Penang now. Dad has some meeting. Will be here till December 1st.

Message to sue faye - a long, partial comment on her blog

2008-11-13T22:45:00.000-08:00

Sue Faye, I could not disagree with you more. I love my secondary school life more than I could ever love that old hellhole of a primary school, although I strongly respect and also recommend it, because that is the treatment the young need to get them in shape and disciplined. Secondary school has shown me how restricted the world I lived in before was. And for one of the few times in my life, I finally felt like I fit in. It isn't very likely I will be changed and influenced a lot by people for the worse (not drastically, anyway). I am an adolescent, and not a child anymore. I do hope, after all these years, I have acquired a little knowledge, just enough to discern the good friends from the bad. And friends will never ruin you intentionally, not unless you pick the wrong ones to trust in. Admittedly, I have seldom trusted my close friends with secrets - too often they are suddenly spread far and wide. But then again, I have not been betrayed (that's a strong word, though) this year so far. And just because Jane was a b*tchy, stuck up, snobbish, gossipy jerk, it doesn't mean everyone is.

Refer to http://1995feel.blogspot.com/ if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

This is what I wanted to say in the last post. It has no relation with the one above.:
Straightfoward. I think you are being pathetically childish (you know who you are). Does being the society queen bee, or being the friend of one, affect your life that much? Thank goodness I've gotten over the stage where I needed people to acknowledge that I had 'power'. 4 years ago. Social life with peers have meant a lot since, though. And you needn't act high and mighty because you are a queen bee, a Kate in the Lizzie McGuire world. Take my word for it (it's not likely you will be given anything else, not the way your acting at the moment), people really couldn't care less. I hope it's a passing phase, because I really would like to be friends.

Another three things.. and a postponed post

2008-11-13T06:42:00.000-08:00

First off.. early birthday wishes to my sister! Its on November 17th. Sorry I can't get you a present though.
Secondly, I'll miss all of you Form 5 n 6 people.. good luck in your exams and blah-blah-blah.. the usual stuff. But I really will miss you guys, especially in scouts.
Thirdly, I won't be here from Saturday to Thursday. I'll be at some Scout Jamboree in Batu Pahat. See ya.

And I have a lot more to say. About society. About my peers and snobbish and utterly childish (yes, more so than me) some of them can be. Unfortunately, my father is making gestures at me that indicate that I should cut my speech short. So until the next post! (probly tomorrow)

Another Poem

2008-11-07T02:29:00.000-08:00

Just for kicks.

Anhedonic emptiness
Spears the lonely hours
She spends them weeping in her tower
Trapped where she cannot escape.

Eclipsed completely, she is the moon
To her peers' bright suns
And lonely she is
For no light can find her
Instead they render her imperceptible to the eye
In vain she hopes that she will be the darkness no longer
That one will lead her out
That she will be the one to shine
That life will bring her into the world
Where she can live again.

But time pasts: she ebbs away
Dust she becomes.
Unknown. Nameless.
And none care.

Three things that are really bothering me at the moment.

2008-11-07T01:08:00.000-08:00

Choir practice, choir practice and more choir practice.
Not that I don't like choir practice. It's just that I would prefer to spend my last 2008 schooling moments with my friends. Not stuck in the APD room or hall singing till my voice cracks. I wouldn't mind if it were in the holidays. However, my fellow choir members are not of the same opinion.

Swimming lessons.

I HATE SWIMMING.
I hate it so much. I wanted to quit, then my mom scolded me. So I didn't quit. I told my mom how much I hated it.
My mom scolded me for not quitting.
Now I hate Fridays.

And at school.. my friends are breaking up. New cliques, new groups, new gangs. To some teens, friends are life. I sincerely hope I'm not one of them. I hate (there's the word again!) seeing my friends talk so sweetly in front of each other and rip each other up right after. Makes me wonder what they say about me (if they do say anything).

One of those days

2008-10-31T07:07:00.000-07:00

One of those days. I need an outlet.

By one of those days I mean one of those times you need to have a good cry because everything in life is wrong in an odd, inexplicable way. Those times when you want to throw in the towel, when you need to rant, to pour your woes and sorrows and yet know that nobody will listen, that nobody wants to listen, and even if they do they won't understand. They'll just pretend they understand and give all the wrong solutions to your problems. And you don't know how exactly how to say what you mean, as it seems that no words of any sort can convey what you feel.

Yes, one of those days.

I was angry at (almost) everyone at school. Especially myself. When I came home, my parents said I was pale. I told them I was sleepy. My dad said I must've received bad results and was avoiding them (he implicated it, anyway) and of course I got angry.

The bad part about being a 'girl' is the part where people expect you to be less aggressive. I have never felt more like punching someone, because I hate people not understanding me. I slept the rest of the day.

Had the first suicidal thought in months today.

Boredom and what it can do to me

2008-10-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

People always say, how do you finish so fast? The answer is, I do a lot of guesswork based on intuition, which really doesn't require lots of time (this is why I finished Paper 2 at the last minute). So what do I do in that leftover time? I dream, I draw. And of course, I write. I write the memorised songs in my head. And I also write poems (and unfinished anecdotes - of course). This is one I wrote during the BM Paper 1 (which Sue Faye and Jeffery confessed to not understanding, as it really doesn't have much meaning. It's ok if you don't either. It doesn't rhyme.):

The boredom grips me.
I can taste the darkness of indifference.
For the excitement of reality
The sinking fear, adrenalin
has past. The time has come
for me to fall into the black pit that
has ensnared many before me.
Precious time slips away, weighed by grains of sand
Infinite to mankind, limited to man.
I dream of what I could do if
I were not trapped in this brief eternity

(At this point I got carried away: the papers were getting collected)
And then it comes -
The saviour, the hand,
the colour in the darkness that pulls me
from the hole.
I am freed, though
only from the cage.
The chains still bind me.
But yet their cold touch
gives me comfort that liberation
of them cannot.

The anchor holds me
Freedom of it, I fear
I depend upon these bonds that clutch me
Holding on tight to us all
The prisoners come and go
I bear them not forever.

Afterwards there was a sucessor:

Silence, empty, within and without.
The strangeness of yawning hope and
solitude, poisoned by suspicion.
The den of deathly open jaws
that consumes those society shuns
shuts but upon us. Torn apart, limb from limb
by the agony of lonesomeness.
Though it is self-inflicted (or is it?)
The blade thrusts as deep as
if it were of another.

RuneScape

2008-10-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

RuneScape! Just that day I decided to sign in again after long abandonment. It appears to have changed a lot. Lots of improvements for F2P. Also lots of limitations in general, though. Which brings me to why I quit in the first place.

Well, when I was still playing, they introduced something absolutely unforgivable: pure rune essence, express use of members. After that, prices plummeted. My main income disappeared. That wasn't so bad, though. I went fishing. Later on, I got muted. Ok, fine, I deserved it anyway. I continued.

But the last straw was the trading limit. The Grand Exchange was invented. I left the game.

Well now, there are some mini-games open to F2Pers, which are really fun. The graphics are cool too. However, the wildy is gone. I heard PKers had a demonstration. Lots of new stuff.

I guess I'll be quitting it soon again. The initial rush of excitement is pretty much over.

My mum will be happy.

Teaching of Science and Mathematics in English

2008-10-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

Recently there’s been a lot of speculation on the subject. Well, you don’t have to be Einstein to know which camp I’m on. I think that English is definitely what we need.

In the NST, the Parents Action Group for Education sent an appeal for the teaching in English to be continued. They counter-argued upon 7 points (here I put 6, the italics are my own thoughts):

• The policy has not relegated the superiority of Bahasa Malaysia (currently not Melayu)
This is an unjust and ridiculous statement (that it has relegated the ‘superiority of BM’)! Come ON! BM is used in BM, Geografi, Sejarah, KH, Moral, PJK, Seni and Sivik. English is only used in English, Science and Mathematics. Do the math (no pun intended)!

• That English cannot be taught through Science and Mathematics is inaccurate
I don’t understand why it can’t be taught in English. There are enough reference materials.

• Science and Math can be taught in English instead of the student’s mother tongue
If you teach from a young age, you will find that it is very easy for them to learn. Children are not dumb. Given opportunity they can – they just need a good teacher (thank goodness my mum is one, and my dad)

• There are enough resources to teach in English
Mentioned above.

• That the statement that examination results declined upon implementation is unfair
Yea! I mean, you only asked the ones who just had English implemented. Try the UPSR/08 ones, they were the first batch of full-fledged English learners.

• We shouldn’t follow the Chinese, Japanese and Koreans in using the mother tongue
Not to be depreciating or anything… but we haven’t reached that level yet. We are still developing. English is good for industry – where are you going to use Malay besides this little country?

Don’t sacrifice the future generation for short-term ease! English is very important, whether in daily life or at work. Do what is right. There’s a saying in Chinese (roughly translated): The first plant the trees, the second sit in its shade. Be the tree planter, even if it takes a lot to tend to it.

Sacha Baron Cohen

2008-10-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

Recently my brother has been crazing(is there such a word?) over this guy. Sacha Baron Cohen brought you Ali G, Bruno, and of course, Borat. He convinced me to watch some Youtube clips of him.

Needless to say I was very, very amused. Especially with Borat. They interview people and pretend to be real, making people say things they.. wouldn't say otherwise. Ali G is supposed to be this stereotype of a suburban male who revels in Jamaican and Black British culture, particularly hip hop and reggae music. Bruno is a homosexual fashion designer who claims to interview for "Austria's Gay TV". Borat is a Kazakh who interviews people, usually to "make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan".

It's very entertaining when Ali G makes funny (but probably annoying to the interviewee) comments and asks odd questions. Bruno shows people contradicting themselves. Borat exposes anti-Semitism and odd prejudices, when nobody knows he's actually a Jew himself. They are all hilarious. If you have nothing to do, go on Youtube, watch a few videos. The Golden Globe Awards speech he made was really funny too.

Wishes

2008-10-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

Wishes. Everyone has them. Hopes and dreams. Some crushed, some barely alive, some triumphant

I'll list mine out, just in case I can achieve them. Just the unfulfilled ones. Not in order of importance.

Section A - Me
1. I wish I didn't cry in primary school
2. I wish I didn't get cowed by two girls just because they acted superior in kindergarten
3. I wish I was more friendly and outgoing
4. I wish I slapped [forgot his name]
5. I wish I never got moved to the middle of the class
6. I wish I had more perseverance than initiative
7. I wish I didn't lose my diary
8. I wish I didn't lose my KH textbook
9. I wish I didn't break the snowglobe
10. I wish I was cleaner
11. I wish I were more open
12. I wish I brought my phone to school
13. I wish I didn't have to care about idiots who smoke and ponteng
14. I wish I made more people like me
15. I wish I could've gone for the Jamboree in Jelebu
16. I wish I wasn't so damn shy
17. I wish I didn't have a fear of fair people
18. I wish I wasn't scared of the dark
19. I wish I never touched my sister's books
20. I wish I was neater and more organised
21. I wish I stuck to things
22. I wish I had an answer for things
23. I wish I was more active
24. I wish I was more focused
25. I wish I was closer to my relatives
26. I wish I was a faster person
27. I wish I was less emotional
28. I wish I were more careful
29. I wish I were more funny
30. I wish I were more passionate about what I do
31. I wish I took part in the Public Speaking Competition
32. I wish I won for chess
33. I wish I wasn't so forgetful
34. I wish I could just NOT CARE
35. I wish I didn't have bad habits
36. I wish I took better care of my plants
37. I wish I didn't try to follow my sister - because I am a different person
38. I wish I did better in my exams
39. I wish I didn't cause any viruses
40. I wish I liked swimming
41. I wish I drank more water
42. I wish I had better interests

Section B - Others
43. I wish people would stop mistaking forgetfulness for laziness
44. I wish the wars would stop
45. I wish the environment was saved
46. I wish people didn't litter
47. I wish the Sun didn't HAVE to explode
48. I wish women didn't have to endure childbirth and all that comes with it
49. I wish there was a way to use the unwanted heat dispersed into the air
50. I wish people were not so wicked to corrupt children
51. I wish people did not lie, kill, steal or anything of that sort
52. I wish there never was a need to.
53. I wish everyone could realise their own potential
54. I wish there was no poverty in the world
55. I wish there were time machines
56. I wish lights switched off automatically
57. I wish ... for a lot more things. Etcetera.

Why not? It's possible. Anything is possible. Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, the hand of man can achieve.

It's just.. a matter of time.

More stuff

2008-10-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

Well I have recently discovered that I am going to the Johor International Jamboreeeeeeee!!!!!! And I have never been to an international anything before, so I might as well be excited. My bro and I will send our *last minute* forms to Pn. Siti Fatimah today. 5 days, 15-20 November. Joy!

So I'm practicing knots for fun now, since the exam in over. I wish I could just sleep.. but then at night I'll lie awake in bed and have nightmares. Right now I'm wrapping my mind around the idea of Chee Keen and Chee Hoe leaving PD.

In addition to the fact that two of my friends are leaving, another is depressed. She probably will never tell us her secrets. Really, I might have a fit soon if she doesn't. It's spreading now that the holidays are coming.

I spent most of today walking back and forth from my class to Blok Millenium, and the staffroom. Reading the Reader's Digest, of course. However, now that I'm a lot more skilled in walking and am not carrying a huge bag of books, I guess I'm safe. I didn't know so few people in my year knew about Reader's Digest - I always thought it was rather popular. Maybe just not in that area.

And no, not one single incident today was especially interesting to relate. But I'll have more on the next post.

Exams n whatnot

2008-10-23T06:50:00.000-07:00

Exams are over and done with at last! Thank god. But I dunno whether to be happy or sad - the school year is coming to a close. I'm gonna miss everyone that's leaving!! Anyway, let me get on to the matter at heart, which is the exam. Or rather, how people have been treating it.

Frankly, I am FRUSTRATED at the contempt with which my classmates treat the END OF YEAR EXAM. Let me rephrase that. I HATE PEOPLE CHEATING.

In my mind, cheaters are scum. I am sick of watching you(you know who you are) unfairly cheat your way into good results, when the rest of the honest population (approximately 8 people) who have actually studied, or, if they haven't, at least decided not to degrade themselves to such a low level as you skunks, really DO the paper, instead of copy it. You KNOW we can't tell on you because if it leaks out, we will be shut out of society - or at least, the one that we are in. I have absolutely no respect for you and cannot believe the people I once held in high regard are able to lower themselves.

Look at yourselves! Go home, stare in the mirror. Look at your family. Is this disgraceful act what you were brought up for!? If you don't feel ashamed of yourself, if you have a clear conscience - well frankly, I'd like to say that all of you disgust me.

YOU F**KING PISS ME OFF!

There, now that I've vented my spleen, I'd like to continue to another topic.

Pairing.

It's amazing how you(again, you know who you are) are able to matchmake at such a young age. Congratulations on your skill! However, I believe that it needs a bit of polishing here and there. You could not be further from the mark with your blind man's darts. You see, talking to somebody with a smile does not qualify you to be his/her next girl/boyfriend. I mean yea, the teasing here and there is ok for me but if you're telling his/her sibling(s), you are going too far. But otherwise, go ahead, because it's seriously entertaining.

I just realised it's a Thursday. Crap, 'cause I'm going to school tomorrow. Before you ask why, for fun. So nite, see ya.