One of those days. I need an outlet.
By one of those days I mean one of those times you need to have a good cry because everything in life is wrong in an odd, inexplicable way. Those times when you want to throw in the towel, when you need to rant, to pour your woes and sorrows and yet know that nobody will listen, that nobody wants to listen, and even if they do they won't understand. They'll just pretend they understand and give all the wrong solutions to your problems. And you don't know how exactly how to say what you mean, as it seems that no words of any sort can convey what you feel.
Yes, one of those days.
I was angry at (almost) everyone at school. Especially myself. When I came home, my parents said I was pale. I told them I was sleepy. My dad said I must've received bad results and was avoiding them (he implicated it, anyway) and of course I got angry.
The bad part about being a 'girl' is the part where people expect you to be less aggressive. I have never felt more like punching someone, because I hate people not understanding me. I slept the rest of the day.
Had the first suicidal thought in months today.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Boredom and what it can do to me
People always say, how do you finish so fast? The answer is, I do a lot of guesswork based on intuition, which really doesn't require lots of time (this is why I finished Paper 2 at the last minute). So what do I do in that leftover time? I dream, I draw. And of course, I write. I write the memorised songs in my head. And I also write poems (and unfinished anecdotes - of course). This is one I wrote during the BM Paper 1 (which Sue Faye and Jeffery confessed to not understanding, as it really doesn't have much meaning. It's ok if you don't either. It doesn't rhyme.):
The boredom grips me.
I can taste the darkness of indifference.
For the excitement of reality
The sinking fear, adrenalin
has past. The time has come
for me to fall into the black pit that
has ensnared many before me.
Precious time slips away, weighed by grains of sand
Infinite to mankind, limited to man.
I dream of what I could do if
I were not trapped in this brief eternity
(At this point I got carried away: the papers were getting collected)
And then it comes -
The saviour, the hand,
the colour in the darkness that pulls me
from the hole.
I am freed, though
only from the cage.
The chains still bind me.
But yet their cold touch
gives me comfort that liberation
of them cannot.
The anchor holds me
Freedom of it, I fear
I depend upon these bonds that clutch me
Holding on tight to us all
The prisoners come and go
I bear them not forever.
Afterwards there was a sucessor:
Silence, empty, within and without.
The strangeness of yawning hope and
solitude, poisoned by suspicion.
The den of deathly open jaws
that consumes those society shuns
shuts but upon us. Torn apart, limb from limb
by the agony of lonesomeness.
Though it is self-inflicted (or is it?)
The blade thrusts as deep as
if it were of another.
The boredom grips me.
I can taste the darkness of indifference.
For the excitement of reality
The sinking fear, adrenalin
has past. The time has come
for me to fall into the black pit that
has ensnared many before me.
Precious time slips away, weighed by grains of sand
Infinite to mankind, limited to man.
I dream of what I could do if
I were not trapped in this brief eternity
(At this point I got carried away: the papers were getting collected)
And then it comes -
The saviour, the hand,
the colour in the darkness that pulls me
from the hole.
I am freed, though
only from the cage.
The chains still bind me.
But yet their cold touch
gives me comfort that liberation
of them cannot.
The anchor holds me
Freedom of it, I fear
I depend upon these bonds that clutch me
Holding on tight to us all
The prisoners come and go
I bear them not forever.
Afterwards there was a sucessor:
Silence, empty, within and without.
The strangeness of yawning hope and
solitude, poisoned by suspicion.
The den of deathly open jaws
that consumes those society shuns
shuts but upon us. Torn apart, limb from limb
by the agony of lonesomeness.
Though it is self-inflicted (or is it?)
The blade thrusts as deep as
if it were of another.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
RuneScape
RuneScape! Just that day I decided to sign in again after long abandonment. It appears to have changed a lot. Lots of improvements for F2P. Also lots of limitations in general, though. Which brings me to why I quit in the first place.
Well, when I was still playing, they introduced something absolutely unforgivable: pure rune essence, express use of members. After that, prices plummeted. My main income disappeared. That wasn't so bad, though. I went fishing. Later on, I got muted. Ok, fine, I deserved it anyway. I continued.
But the last straw was the trading limit. The Grand Exchange was invented. I left the game.
Well now, there are some mini-games open to F2Pers, which are really fun. The graphics are cool too. However, the wildy is gone. I heard PKers had a demonstration. Lots of new stuff.
I guess I'll be quitting it soon again. The initial rush of excitement is pretty much over.
My mum will be happy.
Well, when I was still playing, they introduced something absolutely unforgivable: pure rune essence, express use of members. After that, prices plummeted. My main income disappeared. That wasn't so bad, though. I went fishing. Later on, I got muted. Ok, fine, I deserved it anyway. I continued.
But the last straw was the trading limit. The Grand Exchange was invented. I left the game.
Well now, there are some mini-games open to F2Pers, which are really fun. The graphics are cool too. However, the wildy is gone. I heard PKers had a demonstration. Lots of new stuff.
I guess I'll be quitting it soon again. The initial rush of excitement is pretty much over.
My mum will be happy.
Teaching of Science and Mathematics in English
Recently there’s been a lot of speculation on the subject. Well, you don’t have to be Einstein to know which camp I’m on. I think that English is definitely what we need.
In the NST, the Parents Action Group for Education sent an appeal for the teaching in English to be continued. They counter-argued upon 7 points (here I put 6, the italics are my own thoughts):
• The policy has not relegated the superiority of Bahasa Malaysia (currently not Melayu)
This is an unjust and ridiculous statement (that it has relegated the ‘superiority of BM’)! Come ON! BM is used in BM, Geografi, Sejarah, KH, Moral, PJK, Seni and Sivik. English is only used in English, Science and Mathematics. Do the math (no pun intended)!
• That English cannot be taught through Science and Mathematics is inaccurate
I don’t understand why it can’t be taught in English. There are enough reference materials.
• Science and Math can be taught in English instead of the student’s mother tongue
If you teach from a young age, you will find that it is very easy for them to learn. Children are not dumb. Given opportunity they can – they just need a good teacher (thank goodness my mum is one, and my dad)
• There are enough resources to teach in English
Mentioned above.
• That the statement that examination results declined upon implementation is unfair
Yea! I mean, you only asked the ones who just had English implemented. Try the UPSR/08 ones, they were the first batch of full-fledged English learners.
• We shouldn’t follow the Chinese, Japanese and Koreans in using the mother tongue
Not to be depreciating or anything… but we haven’t reached that level yet. We are still developing. English is good for industry – where are you going to use Malay besides this little country?
Don’t sacrifice the future generation for short-term ease! English is very important, whether in daily life or at work. Do what is right. There’s a saying in Chinese (roughly translated): The first plant the trees, the second sit in its shade. Be the tree planter, even if it takes a lot to tend to it.
In the NST, the Parents Action Group for Education sent an appeal for the teaching in English to be continued. They counter-argued upon 7 points (here I put 6, the italics are my own thoughts):
• The policy has not relegated the superiority of Bahasa Malaysia (currently not Melayu)
This is an unjust and ridiculous statement (that it has relegated the ‘superiority of BM’)! Come ON! BM is used in BM, Geografi, Sejarah, KH, Moral, PJK, Seni and Sivik. English is only used in English, Science and Mathematics. Do the math (no pun intended)!
• That English cannot be taught through Science and Mathematics is inaccurate
I don’t understand why it can’t be taught in English. There are enough reference materials.
• Science and Math can be taught in English instead of the student’s mother tongue
If you teach from a young age, you will find that it is very easy for them to learn. Children are not dumb. Given opportunity they can – they just need a good teacher (thank goodness my mum is one, and my dad)
• There are enough resources to teach in English
Mentioned above.
• That the statement that examination results declined upon implementation is unfair
Yea! I mean, you only asked the ones who just had English implemented. Try the UPSR/08 ones, they were the first batch of full-fledged English learners.
• We shouldn’t follow the Chinese, Japanese and Koreans in using the mother tongue
Not to be depreciating or anything… but we haven’t reached that level yet. We are still developing. English is good for industry – where are you going to use Malay besides this little country?
Don’t sacrifice the future generation for short-term ease! English is very important, whether in daily life or at work. Do what is right. There’s a saying in Chinese (roughly translated): The first plant the trees, the second sit in its shade. Be the tree planter, even if it takes a lot to tend to it.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Sacha Baron Cohen
Recently my brother has been crazing(is there such a word?) over this guy. Sacha Baron Cohen brought you Ali G, Bruno, and of course, Borat. He convinced me to watch some Youtube clips of him.
Needless to say I was very, very amused. Especially with Borat. They interview people and pretend to be real, making people say things they.. wouldn't say otherwise. Ali G is supposed to be this stereotype of a suburban male who revels in Jamaican and Black British culture, particularly hip hop and reggae music. Bruno is a homosexual fashion designer who claims to interview for "Austria's Gay TV". Borat is a Kazakh who interviews people, usually to "make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan".
It's very entertaining when Ali G makes funny (but probably annoying to the interviewee) comments and asks odd questions. Bruno shows people contradicting themselves. Borat exposes anti-Semitism and odd prejudices, when nobody knows he's actually a Jew himself. They are all hilarious. If you have nothing to do, go on Youtube, watch a few videos. The Golden Globe Awards speech he made was really funny too.
Needless to say I was very, very amused. Especially with Borat. They interview people and pretend to be real, making people say things they.. wouldn't say otherwise. Ali G is supposed to be this stereotype of a suburban male who revels in Jamaican and Black British culture, particularly hip hop and reggae music. Bruno is a homosexual fashion designer who claims to interview for "Austria's Gay TV". Borat is a Kazakh who interviews people, usually to "make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan".
It's very entertaining when Ali G makes funny (but probably annoying to the interviewee) comments and asks odd questions. Bruno shows people contradicting themselves. Borat exposes anti-Semitism and odd prejudices, when nobody knows he's actually a Jew himself. They are all hilarious. If you have nothing to do, go on Youtube, watch a few videos. The Golden Globe Awards speech he made was really funny too.
Wishes
Wishes. Everyone has them. Hopes and dreams. Some crushed, some barely alive, some triumphant
I'll list mine out, just in case I can achieve them. Just the unfulfilled ones. Not in order of importance.
Section A - Me
1. I wish I didn't cry in primary school
2. I wish I didn't get cowed by two girls just because they acted superior in kindergarten
3. I wish I was more friendly and outgoing
4. I wish I slapped [forgot his name]
5. I wish I never got moved to the middle of the class
6. I wish I had more perseverance than initiative
7. I wish I didn't lose my diary
8. I wish I didn't lose my KH textbook
9. I wish I didn't break the snowglobe
10. I wish I was cleaner
11. I wish I were more open
12. I wish I brought my phone to school
13. I wish I didn't have to care about idiots who smoke and ponteng
14. I wish I made more people like me
15. I wish I could've gone for the Jamboree in Jelebu
16. I wish I wasn't so damn shy
17. I wish I didn't have a fear of fair people
18. I wish I wasn't scared of the dark
19. I wish I never touched my sister's books
20. I wish I was neater and more organised
21. I wish I stuck to things
22. I wish I had an answer for things
23. I wish I was more active
24. I wish I was more focused
25. I wish I was closer to my relatives
26. I wish I was a faster person
27. I wish I was less emotional
28. I wish I were more careful
29. I wish I were more funny
30. I wish I were more passionate about what I do
31. I wish I took part in the Public Speaking Competition
32. I wish I won for chess
33. I wish I wasn't so forgetful
34. I wish I could just NOT CARE
35. I wish I didn't have bad habits
36. I wish I took better care of my plants
37. I wish I didn't try to follow my sister - because I am a different person
38. I wish I did better in my exams
39. I wish I didn't cause any viruses
40. I wish I liked swimming
41. I wish I drank more water
42. I wish I had better interests
Section B - Others
43. I wish people would stop mistaking forgetfulness for laziness
44. I wish the wars would stop
45. I wish the environment was saved
46. I wish people didn't litter
47. I wish the Sun didn't HAVE to explode
48. I wish women didn't have to endure childbirth and all that comes with it
49. I wish there was a way to use the unwanted heat dispersed into the air
50. I wish people were not so wicked to corrupt children
51. I wish people did not lie, kill, steal or anything of that sort
52. I wish there never was a need to.
53. I wish everyone could realise their own potential
54. I wish there was no poverty in the world
55. I wish there were time machines
56. I wish lights switched off automatically
57. I wish ... for a lot more things. Etcetera.
Why not? It's possible. Anything is possible. Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, the hand of man can achieve.
It's just.. a matter of time.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
More stuff
Well I have recently discovered that I am going to the Johor International Jamboreeeeeeee!!!!!! And I have never been to an international anything before, so I might as well be excited. My bro and I will send our *last minute* forms to Pn. Siti Fatimah today. 5 days, 15-20 November. Joy!
So I'm practicing knots for fun now, since the exam in over. I wish I could just sleep.. but then at night I'll lie awake in bed and have nightmares. Right now I'm wrapping my mind around the idea of Chee Keen and Chee Hoe leaving PD.
In addition to the fact that two of my friends are leaving, another is depressed. She probably will never tell us her secrets. Really, I might have a fit soon if she doesn't. It's spreading now that the holidays are coming.
I spent most of today walking back and forth from my class to Blok Millenium, and the staffroom. Reading the Reader's Digest, of course. However, now that I'm a lot more skilled in walking and am not carrying a huge bag of books, I guess I'm safe. I didn't know so few people in my year knew about Reader's Digest - I always thought it was rather popular. Maybe just not in that area.
And no, not one single incident today was especially interesting to relate. But I'll have more on the next post.
So I'm practicing knots for fun now, since the exam in over. I wish I could just sleep.. but then at night I'll lie awake in bed and have nightmares. Right now I'm wrapping my mind around the idea of Chee Keen and Chee Hoe leaving PD.
In addition to the fact that two of my friends are leaving, another is depressed. She probably will never tell us her secrets. Really, I might have a fit soon if she doesn't. It's spreading now that the holidays are coming.
I spent most of today walking back and forth from my class to Blok Millenium, and the staffroom. Reading the Reader's Digest, of course. However, now that I'm a lot more skilled in walking and am not carrying a huge bag of books, I guess I'm safe. I didn't know so few people in my year knew about Reader's Digest - I always thought it was rather popular. Maybe just not in that area.
And no, not one single incident today was especially interesting to relate. But I'll have more on the next post.
Exams n whatnot
Exams are over and done with at last! Thank god. But I dunno whether to be happy or sad - the school year is coming to a close. I'm gonna miss everyone that's leaving!! Anyway, let me get on to the matter at heart, which is the exam. Or rather, how people have been treating it.
Frankly, I am FRUSTRATED at the contempt with which my classmates treat the END OF YEAR EXAM. Let me rephrase that. I HATE PEOPLE CHEATING.
In my mind, cheaters are scum. I am sick of watching you(you know who you are) unfairly cheat your way into good results, when the rest of the honest population (approximately 8 people) who have actually studied, or, if they haven't, at least decided not to degrade themselves to such a low level as you skunks, really DO the paper, instead of copy it. You KNOW we can't tell on you because if it leaks out, we will be shut out of society - or at least, the one that we are in. I have absolutely no respect for you and cannot believe the people I once held in high regard are able to lower themselves.
Look at yourselves! Go home, stare in the mirror. Look at your family. Is this disgraceful act what you were brought up for!? If you don't feel ashamed of yourself, if you have a clear conscience - well frankly, I'd like to say that all of you disgust me.
YOU F**KING PISS ME OFF!
There, now that I've vented my spleen, I'd like to continue to another topic.
Pairing.
It's amazing how you(again, you know who you are) are able to matchmake at such a young age. Congratulations on your skill! However, I believe that it needs a bit of polishing here and there. You could not be further from the mark with your blind man's darts. You see, talking to somebody with a smile does not qualify you to be his/her next girl/boyfriend. I mean yea, the teasing here and there is ok for me but if you're telling his/her sibling(s), you are going too far. But otherwise, go ahead, because it's seriously entertaining.
I just realised it's a Thursday. Crap, 'cause I'm going to school tomorrow. Before you ask why, for fun. So nite, see ya.
Frankly, I am FRUSTRATED at the contempt with which my classmates treat the END OF YEAR EXAM. Let me rephrase that. I HATE PEOPLE CHEATING.
In my mind, cheaters are scum. I am sick of watching you(you know who you are) unfairly cheat your way into good results, when the rest of the honest population (approximately 8 people) who have actually studied, or, if they haven't, at least decided not to degrade themselves to such a low level as you skunks, really DO the paper, instead of copy it. You KNOW we can't tell on you because if it leaks out, we will be shut out of society - or at least, the one that we are in. I have absolutely no respect for you and cannot believe the people I once held in high regard are able to lower themselves.
Look at yourselves! Go home, stare in the mirror. Look at your family. Is this disgraceful act what you were brought up for!? If you don't feel ashamed of yourself, if you have a clear conscience - well frankly, I'd like to say that all of you disgust me.
YOU F**KING PISS ME OFF!
There, now that I've vented my spleen, I'd like to continue to another topic.
Pairing.
It's amazing how you(again, you know who you are) are able to matchmake at such a young age. Congratulations on your skill! However, I believe that it needs a bit of polishing here and there. You could not be further from the mark with your blind man's darts. You see, talking to somebody with a smile does not qualify you to be his/her next girl/boyfriend. I mean yea, the teasing here and there is ok for me but if you're telling his/her sibling(s), you are going too far. But otherwise, go ahead, because it's seriously entertaining.
I just realised it's a Thursday. Crap, 'cause I'm going to school tomorrow. Before you ask why, for fun. So nite, see ya.
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